Healing from trauma.

Here is an article where Gabr Mate gives us a small insight into his vast knowledge on Trauma.

So how do we start to heal our reactions to trauma in the past?

We start the journey by recognising the impacts of trauma in our lives and where this is showing up in the present. If people are experiencing depression, or anxiety, or trouble concentrating or if they have significant physical symptoms, or chronic physical ailments, or if they’re facing addictions, whether to substances or to work, or to pornography, or to gambling, or to eating, or shopping…? These are all manifestations of trauma.

So, instead of blaming themselves for the symptoms, or behaviours, people need to ask: what pain am I trying to cover? Or what pain is driving me to behave in those ways?

Trauma is a wound from the past that stops you growing in the future.

Often people don’t want to ask for help because they are ashamed of their behaviours or their reactions. How do we handle the shame?

Recognise that shame itself is a sign of trauma. Because when bad things happen to a kid, or the requisite good things don’t happen, the child makes the automatic assumption that they are at fault, defective and there’s something wrong with them.

So shame needs to be recognised as a mark of trauma. But it doesn’t speak to reality, it speaks to a person’s experience of being alone with their pain, and being made to feel responsible.

Shame can feel like a huge barrier to seeking help. But while we remain helpless, it keeps us stuck in the pain and the past. From the point of view of people reading this, they need to know that they’re not alone with that shame. There’s about 10 zillion people out there, doing exactly the same thing for exactly the same reasons.

You talk about curiosity and compassionate inquiry to help us create new ways of behaving – what are some good questions to ask?

If you’re indulging in behaviours that feel destructive, ask yourself – what is that behaviour giving you in the short term? Instead of asking – what is wrong with it, ask what’s right about it? What is it giving you in the short term?

Let’s say you’re drinking too much. This might give you peace of mind or a sense of escape, or make you feel less stressed?

Then ask the next question. How did I lose my peace of mind? What’s happening to me that I feel so stressed? What is the emotional pain I’m trying to soothe?

Start asking questions with curiosity. Not with a spirit of self-judgement of self-condemnation.

You are an expert on childhood trauma. What practices can parents introduce that will help to reduce the chances of trauma in their children?

There are three practices. Firstly, parents must look at their own patterns. We always bond with a partner who has the same level of trauma that we have. If we haven’t moved on from our traumas, we’re going to pass them on to our kids so deal with your own stuff as best you can.

I was given away as a baby and I had to look at my sense of abandonment and how that showed up in relationship to my wife and the impact that had on my kids. The more conscious we become, the less likely it is that we’re going to transmit it to the next generation.

The second thing is to understand that those first three years are so important in shaping a person’s self-concept and template for relationships. If I had my time again, I would put everything else in my life secondary to being as present for my kids as possible in those first three years. Ask yourself – what could you put aside for those first three years for the sake of being more present with your kids?

The third point to know is to understand the child needs to be unconditionally accepted. The child shouldn’t have to work to be loved. Focus on that versus working out how you get them to behave well or how to get them into a good school.

You talk about the ‘tyranny of the past’ that can trigger us. How do we stop getting triggered?

First of all, don’t be hard on yourself, don’t criticise yourself, don’t say, ‘oh my god, I screwed it up again’.

Once you’ve calmed down, remember that the trigger is a very small part of the mechanism. For the trigger to set something off, there has to be ammunition and an explosive charge. If I trigger you, who’s carrying the explosive charge and ammunition?

The more you get to know yourself, the less likely you are to get triggered. I recommend using those incidents where you are triggered to learn about yourself and discover why this little trigger sets out this huge explosion.

For example, is it because you’re still carrying this belief that you’re not loveable? Or when somebody is late to meet you for coffee, and you get really upset, is it because there’s belief that you’re not valuable? You’re the one with that belief. The other person is just late for coffee.

I still get triggered about things in my past but I’m much quicker to recognise it and clean it up afterwards.

Thankyou to the metro for interviewing such a wise man. Adapted from https://metro.co.uk/2022/10/23/the-big-happiness-interview-dr-gabor-mate-on-how-to-stop-being-triggered-by-trauma-17608922/

I would also happily recommend https://open.spotify.com/episode/3UDiUcLLnH3P8jy2gPGkR3?si=9ead5572c9be47fc