How do I know if it's abuse?

I have personally worked with domestic violence, rape and historical abuse for over 4 years. Over and over the questions arrives; how do I know if its abuse?

Signs of healthy behaviors in relationships

They always treat me with respect, no matter where we are or who we’re with.

They’re proud of me when I achieve something.

They encourage me to keep trying with things I find hard.

They’re comfortable with me spending time away from them, with family and other friends.

They try to do some of the things I like, such as sports, cinema and music.

They respect me when I say no or disagree.

They can talk about their feelings with me.

They don’t cheat on me, and trust me not to cheat on them.

They listen to me when we disagree and try to see my point of view.

They give me compliments and say positive things about me to others.

They have friends and interests of their own.

They don’t rush our relationship; we can take our time.

They ask my opinion when deciding important things that affect us both.

Signs of unhealthy behaviours in relationships

They make threats and do things that make me feel frightened.

They put me down just to make me feel bad when we’re alone or around friends.

They make me do things that I don’t want to do without listening to me.

They make me feel guilty if I don’t spend time with them.

They don’t try to get on with my friends or family.

They hit, slap or push me.

They look through my phone, social media or web history.

They want to know where I am all the time.

They cheat on me or accuse me of cheating on them.

They steal from me or make me buy them things.

They make me have sex when I don’t want to.

How do you know if you’re feeling unsafe?

Here are some early warning signs:

You’re becoming a lot more critical of yourself — thinking that you always doing things wrong, are unattractive/unloveable or unable to support yourself or do things you used to do.

You give up on your own opinions and think your partner is right about everything.

You’re feeling more stressed or worried all the time; you feel nauseous or have bad butterflies. Sometimes stress can also stop us eating and sleeping properly, or cause us to have headaches.

You have that ‘dreaded’ feeling more often.

You’re scared of how your partner will react to a situation.

You avoid saying something because you don’t want to upset your partner.

You feel scared when your partner is angry because you can’t predict their behaviour.

You’re feeling a pressure to change who you are or move the relationship further than you want to.

You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

You’re staying in more and seeing less of family and friends to avoid arguments with your partner.

Why do people stay in relationships when they're experiencing abuse?

There are many different reasons why people stay in relationships when they’re being abused.

You might feel frightened to leave, as you worry that the person abusing you will try and stop you, and become even more violent. You might also rely on the person abusing you for practical or financial support, or you worry about losing your home and access to your children. You may enjoy the good times you have with them and keep hoping it won’t happen again.

Never forget that it is a crime for someone you know to abuse you in your own home or anywhere else — whether they are your partner, a family member or someone you share your home with. Whatever the person abusing you might say, physical and emotional violence like this is never your fault.

Nobody has the right to abuse you in this way. You may be made to feel responsible and guilty for the abuse, but the source of the problem is the abuser, not you

Adapted from article https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/recognising-signs-domestic-abuse/